Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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