My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
