I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
