well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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