just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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