she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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