just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
