My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've blown a few things in my day
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
