Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
