im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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