Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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