They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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