I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My pussy is not your playground.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm at about main and main street
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
