CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
should my penis look like a turkey
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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