I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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