I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
zippers are such a cool invention
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
