My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
