I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
