I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
