ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize