Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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