Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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