I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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