He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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