dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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