yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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