why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
