Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
