I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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