This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just blew my weed a kiss
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize