I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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