Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
