why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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