come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
