Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
