He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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