Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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