First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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