I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
