homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
