I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
