Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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