took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
