at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
