remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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