her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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