FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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