Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
