Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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