my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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