So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
