You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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