Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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