I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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