I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
