Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
