Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
